The Tale of Artemis’ Ambivalence
by Isabel Ingersoll
Responsibility was thrust upon me right as I exited the womb. My first seconds alive were spent assisting my mother with my twin's birth. Right as that bright light of a whole new world hit me, my innocence and childhood was immediately ripped away from me. Because there's no way to be a carefree kid when you're born a god.
I never blamed my mother. She needed help and I was happy to give it. She had been a caring and doting mother ever since then, raising my brother and I on the barren island of Delos. I knew she didn't want to be stuck on this little island, but because of Hela’s rage this is where we were stuck. She tried her best to cover up her emotions. Sometimes I caught her staring out across the ocean, a longing look in her eyes for a life beyond the confines of this one piece of land.
My brother was the sunshine that lit up the hearts of our small family during our time together on this desolate land. As twins, he and I shared many similar facial features, but the way his features came together made him out to be an ethereal, bright person while I looked cold and unapproachable in comparison. I loved him dearly but I began to resent him for that; the way his genes compiled in a different way than mine, something that he couldn't control made me so envious of him.
It wasn't even the fact that he was this bright sunshine of a person while I was an isolated, moody one. It was also the fact that as we grew up I could see how mother favored him more. She and him shared their sunny characteristics and she was always so proud of him for all he could do. Whenever he wrote a poem or shot a bow, she would praise his every move. I felt inadequate in comparison. From a young age, I didn't show much of a skill for anything I attempted to do.
I couldn't help but feel even more of an outcast within my own family then when Apollo defeated Python. Saving our mother with his impressive bow and arrow skills and in turn becoming the premier deity of Delphi. By this act of heroism, he not only secured himself as the god of archery but also, one of prophecy. I had nothing. And with the way our mother beamed at him and him only, it felt as if I had nobody too.
During these times I got very used to spending time on my own. I left my brother and mother and went off to the other side of the island for long hours of the day. The island began to blossom more as we lived there. I soon noticed a small family of deer that liked to wander along the cliffs of the island. I would sit on the rocks next to a thin, running stream of water and watch the herd. The stag watched over its doe and fawn with such thoughtfulness and intensity. The sight made me a bit sad; it made me think of my own father and the little presence that he had had in my life.
I couldn't take my eyes off these beautiful creatures; their grace was such a calming presence in times I felt so uncertain. They would come over to me, nuzzle me with their wet noses; the fawn sometimes curled up next to me. As the small deer’s head rested on my knees, I would rub my hand down its back, relishing in the softness of its fur, as well as the trust the young animal had in me. The parents always stood nearby though, never taking their eyes off their child that I could tell they loved deeply.
As time went on in my solitude, I began to discover various other animals around the island—wild boars and colorful birds. Even the fish that swam through the streams and the pond were so beautiful to me. I spent my days with these animals, following them about their days, and seeing how they lived. Sometimes I would bring a piece of charcoal with me and sketch out the animals when I was particularly struck by their beauty. They were always patient with me—loving and kind when it felt like no other in the world would notice me. I was happy alone with the animals, like I was one with them, and that they understood me better than my family ever had.
But as my days drew on, with me seeking refuge in the woods with the marvelous creatures, that serenity was sadly broken. I was dwelling under my favorite willow tree, observing the blue birds, and listening to their distinct calls, when my mother waltzed into my domain. I had almost forgotten my mother’s beauty for all the long days I spent away. She walked underneath the tree and it perked up around her—the leaves brightening to a crisper shade of green and the grass flicking up around her as she walked toward me.
I looked up, from where a small blue bird had been chirping on my palm flew away, to see the shining light that was my mother and the all encompassing green that followed her as she walked into my grove. I considered this side of the island mine—my grove, my pond, my animals—in all senses, I saw it as mine. It felt unnatural to see her in my space.
“Hello dearest,” she said to me, in this thoughtful and musing tone as if she had been long searching for the right words to say. But, at this point, I hadn't seen her or heard from my mother for almost a month now and I couldn't see how any words could fix this rift between us.
“Hello mother,” I said.
“We've been missing you,” she replied without pause. The wistful way in which she declared it surprised me.
“Have you?” I replied cavalierly, not wanting to show genuine interest if they’ve actually thought about me.
“Of course, darling. Your brother and I have been missing you every day that you have been apart from us. We were not sure if it was best to leave you be or to come find you. I found though that I could not leave you to your solitude any longer today, I just had to see you.”
Her heartfelt spiel almost brought tears to my eyes. I had never had my mother give me much of any attention, let alone loving words. She always would tell my brother and I how much she cared for us but never me specifically; I felt as if I was just part of the pair, not as an individual.
“I have missed you and Apollo too.”
“Then why have you stayed away for so long?”
I didn't know how to answer my mother’s question. It was a good question for her to ask; she wanted to understand why I had isolated myself, but I could not form the deep thoughts into words on what made me separate myself. Words were not my strong suit like they were my brother’s. He could probably improvise a beautiful haiku about all that I felt, but not me. I decided I would show my mother one of the many reasons why I stayed away. One of the less self-pitying reasons, that is.
I stuck my two fingers in my mouth and whistled in the sharp tone that took me weeks to perfect. The herd of deer slowly emerged from the woods upon hearing my call and came to stand beside me. I stood up as they approached and rubbed the nose of the small fawn, which had grown so much in the short time I had known it. With the animals surrounding me, I felt comforted and at home. I couldn't help the natural smile that engulfed my face and ceased to even remember my mother’s presence when I was with such glorious beings.
“You seem happy,” I heard my mother’s melancholic voice whisper from behind me. I looked up and caught the sad smile that drowned her beautiful features in a dreary quality.
“I am,” I said, not quite knowing what the right thing to say was.
“You should visit your father.”
“What?”
We never spoke about my father before. It was an unspoken rule that we did not utter a single word about the King of Olympus. That's all he ever was to me: the king of the gods, the god of the sky, but not father. By blood only was that man a father of mine.
“If you go to him and he sees how lovely you are, just think of all the land that you could explore, all the more animals that you could see. It is far too small of an island here for you. You, my beautiful, kind, adventurous daughter, deserve to see the world.”
She came over to me, the deer parting to give her a path, and grabbed my cold hands in her ever-warm ones. She bent down slightly and in her light blue eyes I could see that they began to water. I don't know how I ever could have doubted my mother’s love. She really did want the best for me, and this is what she thought it was. Though, I was not intrigued to see what the rest of the world had to offer.
“Would Apollo go with me?” I asked, uncertain.
“He agreed to go only if you would. Although, he said that he would visit weekly… Something about building a golden chariot to ride and see me as often as he could. I, of course, would love it if you joined him for these visits, but only if you wish.”
I could see how unsure my mother was about even slightly asking me to come visit her after I escaped the confines of this island. I felt horrible, that I had made her feel as if I never wanted to see her again, that my childhood had been anything other than a pleasant life to live. She was only ever kind. Not perfect, but no mother ever is.
“I shall visit you weekly as well. Although, I refuse to ride in some flashy chariot with Apollo,” I replied with a halfhearted chuckle.
“Forever the opposites you two are. But I love you both so dearly, my sun and my moon. I love all the darkest and brightest parts of the both of you. I'm not sure I've told you that enough. I love you so deeply and I don't regret a single thing, I would face Hera's wrath any day again if it meant that I get to have you both as my beautiful children.”
Hearing my mother, who had previously felt so distant from me, tell me she loved me brought tears to my eyes. The tears raced down my face in a way they never have before—through all my times of feeling isolated and alone, never have my emotions manifested themselves into tears.
“Don't cry, my child.”
She reached up with both of her soft fingers to caress the tears off my face. I sniffled and smiled up at her and, in return, she gave me the sweetest grin. We stood there for a second, reveling in the fact that love was not always a spoken thing, but it sure was beautiful when it was.
“I love you too and I shall miss you when I am away,” I told her, knowing that if I did not, she would not be able to read my mind and know how much I really would.
“And I shall miss you, but I am excited to hear of all the wondrous places you visit and all that you do in the world when you come and visit me.”
“I’ll make you proud.”
“I know you will, my dear. There has never been a doubt in my mind that you would ever not make me proud. I am already so proud of who you have become and all that you will be.”
Through my mother’s words, I could feel the tears begin to swell up within my eyes again.
“Now, now, no more tears, my love. Let us go join your brother and send you both off.”
And with that I didn't say anything else to my mother who had poured her heart out to me, who expressed all the love that I had hoped was there but never felt truly was. She grabbed my hand and we walked back towards the direction of our family’s home. The herd of deer pulled up the rear behind me and I looked down at the ground, tracking the grass as it brightened and fell again with each step of my mother's presence. I smiled at the magic of it all, my mother a living, breathing sun and her daughter being one with nature which the sun kept alive. The thought kept me smiling as we walked back in silence.
☾
It was a heartfelt goodbye between Apollo and my mother. However, I felt that the tears had already all emptied out of me. I sat in the boat, waiting, feeling as if I was intruding on their intimate goodbye.
Apollo reluctantly joined me in the boat, avoiding my eye contact, and immediately the north wind began to push us towards my father. Boreas, the north wind, was a close confidant of his. From what I understood, some conversation had occurred between my mother and Boreas that then was delivered to Zeus for the arrangement of our arrival at Olympus. I knew not if my father actually wanted to see the both of us. Or not.
“I’ve missed you,” Apollo spoke up not too long after, finally looking up and meeting my eyes.
“I've missed you too.”
“Please don’t disappear on me again. I had thought that the woods had eaten you.”
“Ha, no, the woods had not eaten me, you buffoon. I was just spending time in nature.”
“That sounds awfully boring.”
“I assure you it was not.”
“Whatever, just please promise me that after we both get off this boat, meet dear old dad, and embark into the world that you won’t forget about me.”
“I promise you that I could never forget about you, Apollo. You and I are connected for life, two halves of a whole. I am sorry that I have been so distant, I have missed your company.”
My brother beamed at me and I couldn't help but smile back at his pure joy. I really had missed seeing him and his contagious sunny disposition.
“Perhaps I shall compose you a new haiku to pass the time.”
“Ugh, please don’t,” I audibly groaned and he giggled at my reaction. He was not at all offended, just smiled right along with my teasing.
“Alright, alright, no poetry from me.”
☽
When we reached land, Boreas continued to push us. We went along with it, knowing it was leading us to Mount Olympus.
We walked for quite a ways, but I lost track of the time as I surveyed the surroundings of this land that was so fresh and new to me. The flora was unlike anything we had on the island and I heard calls of creatures that I did not know. I began to feel giddy of all the possibilities that were swarming on the horizon.
We arrived at Olympus and, surprising nobody, our father was not there to greet us. Instead, a young girl who appeared to be our age was there at the gates. She had long brown hair that looked so shiny and smooth that I wanted to run my hands through it to see. She had these deep brown eyes and a small mouth that shaped up into a beautiful kind smile as our eyes met. The way in which all her features came together made her the most beautiful individual I had ever seen. Her beauty made her feel unreal as I stared upon her; she must be one of the other gods.
“Welcome to Olympus, I’m Britomartis,” she said, addressing both my brother and I, but I wanted her to keep her eyes on me only.
“An honor to meet you, I am Apollo, I'm sure you've heard of me,” I hear my cocky brother say to this beautiful goddess of a woman and I scowl over at him.
“Yes, I have heard of you. Zeus sent me to show you both around Olympus.”
She paused after that, looking at Apollo, then turned her sights on to me. “It's lovely to meet you, Artemis.” The way she said my name was like a dream come true, her voice as smooth and comforting as a warm blanket on a rainy day.
“It's lovely to meet you as well,” I managed to reply back. Almost at a loss for words at how this beautiful woman thought I was lovely.
Her eyes lingered on me before she gathered herself and began to give us an in depth tour of Olympus. I could hardly focus on what she was saying, far too entranced with the way her voice sounded, and wanting more than anything to have her voice playing never-ending inside my head.
We reached an area where a few nymphs were all conversing with one another, and she leaned in closer than anyone ever had to me. Britomartis told me how she knew all the other nymphs quite well, that she was one of them. I tried to hide the surprise on my face but she noticed immediately.
“That surprises you?” She asked, confused.
“Well, I'll be honest, I thought that you were a goddess.”
“Oh, how you flatter me, Artemis. I do not think that my beauty could ever reach the height of divinity in which yours does.”
I met her eyes and saw that this brought a blossoming red to her cheeks in a way that was impossibly charming. I smirked back at her, feeling a bit more confident that I could make this goddess of a woman blush. I did not care what she said about just being a nymph, to me she was more beautiful than any goddess.
“Apollo, I'd love to introduce you to Daphne. I think the two of you would get along swimmingly,” Britomartis declared abruptly, breaking our eye contact, and steering my brother by the shoulders over to the group of nymphs standing nearby. I tried not to feel hurt as she left me behind. Once again, I felt out of place, isolated.
I turned away from them, not wanting any of my insecurities and hurt to show. My expressions are much too easy to read. I wished that I was able to hide it all better; I thought it would be much easier that way.
I tried to distract myself from these sad thoughts by looking at the beautiful scenery around me. Every tree was properly symmetrical, bursting with life, and vibrant as could be. Flowers were everywhere, in every possible color, never dull and making the place seem like a garden.
“It's beautiful, isn't it?”
I jumped from where I had been standing, unaware that Britomartis had come back to stand beside me. Her shoulder was only slightly brushing up against mine, but by how close she was standing I could see the small flecks of gold within her eyes, sparkling like she was treasure. I truly felt like this woman was someone to treasure, if ever I was lucky enough to become close to her.
“It really is.”
I was only looking at her now. No beauty of the landscape compared to her eyes.
She smiled at my insinuation and timidly reached out to grab my hand as she began to walk forward. I laced my fingers along with hers effortlessly and we felt like the perfect pair; our hands melding together as if they were always meant to be this way.
“I ditched your brother so that I could show you my favorite places, just the two of us.”
“I’m so glad that you did,” I glanced down at our linked hands, feeling a swirling storm of nerves within my stomach. Never had I felt so nervous but entranced at the same time. Never had anybody pulled my attention in the way that she has. It scared me quite a bit how quickly I had become consumed with thoughts of only her.
She saw me glance at our linked hands and looked uncertain, as if she should pull away. But I quickly flashed her the most genuine smile I think I may have ever felt, my cheeks hurting from the stretch, and gave a light squeeze of her hand to try and reassure her that I wanted this too. Her eyes lit up and she smiled delicately back at me.
We spent the rest of the day together, just her and me. She showed me all of Olympus, the most populated areas, her secret spots, and all the beauty there was to see. One day led into two and then the whole week had gone by, which we spent together. It felt as if no time at all had passed, but it also felt as if I had known her for all eternity. It made me think that sometimes people are just meant to meet one another.
On the first day of our third week together, I remembered my promise—I couldn't just stay here with my beloved, reaping the benefits of godhood, and forget where I came from.
I told Britomartis that I had to leave. I had met my father briefly, but this place was not somewhere that I was meant to stay. I had to go visit my mother. And then, I had the whole world to see and explore.
Without hesitation she told me that she would accompany me anywhere, if I would have her. And I told her that I would not want to travel anywhere if I did not have her by my side.
With that, it was decided. We declared that we would never be apart from one another. Where I traveled, she would follow. I felt so happy that words could not describe; a whole future ahead of us, to see the world, but more importantly to see it together. I never felt more loved in all my life, like beside her was the place that I had always belonged, and now everything was finally clicking into place.
We had a chariot made and the four golden-horned deer that I was deeply fond of were fitted to pull it. I said a brief goodbye to my brother before we made our quick exit. The two of us were able to ride off into the night and headed straight for the island of Delos.
☾
“Mother?”
I checked the whole house but she was nowhere to be found. I wandered aimlessly around, not sure where my mother would go besides our home. Britomartis walked along beside me as I had begun to head toward the side of the island that I spent so much of my childhood in. I wanted to show Britomartis the willow tree and the family of deer that were so special to me.
But upon emerging into the clearing, I saw that my mother was seated underneath my favorite spot. Almost as if she were waiting for me, she was already facing my direction. She sprang up and ran over to me, throwing her arms around me, and shining just like ever, as bright as the sun.
“My dear girl, oh how I have missed you.”
I could hear the sadness in her and wondered how lonely she must be out here alone on this island. I instantly felt guilty that I had not visited her earlier like I promised.
“I am so sorry, I should have visited sooner.”
“Oh nonsense, I know how busy you must be. There's so much to see, so much to do. I am just so happy to see you.”
“And I you.”
“Now my dear, you must tell me everything that has happened since I saw you last.” She paused, looking slightly past my right shoulder to where Britomartis was standing behind me. When her eyes focused on her, she began to have a smile as if my mother already knew how special she was to me. “First, I would love to be introduced to whom you brought.”
The three of us sat underneath the willow tree all day, until the sun had disappeared fully from the sky. I told my mother of every little thing that had happened to me since we parted and she was attentive and so happy for me the entire time. I wanted to tell her that she should escape on my chariot with me, that she didn't have to stay here. But I didn't say that; it was her choice if she ever wanted to try and leave the boundary of this island.
She told me how happy she was that I found love and was so kind to Britomartis. She complimented her beauty and what a perfect, lovely pair we made. I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed with joy to have my mother’s approval. Nothing she said would have ever changed the love I felt for the woman beside me but it still was nice to know that my mother liked the person that I chose to stay beside me.
The night went on and I felt hopelessly content. There was nothing anyone could do to change how happy I felt with the way things had fallen into place within my life. I was free, no responsibility weighing me down. I could do anything, be anything, and I had the love of my mother, brother, and beloved supporting me. The hunt now for the possibilities of what the world could throw at me was endless and unpredictable. A time long ago that would have scared me but now it excited me beyond belief.
Isabel Ingersoll (she/her) is a Writing, Literature, and Publishing undergraduate at Emerson College. She mainly writes fiction short stories but also loves to write melancholic poetry mainly with themes surrounding girlhood. She has been published in Generic Magazine and Unpublished Magazine. You can follow her on Instagram @isabelingersoll.